Expelling the Thoughts
by Disgruntled Minion
Summary: AU: Some thoughts are like poison, deadly and powerful. They infect the mind with their sinister touch and can bring a person to their knees. They coil and slink about, sitting in the shadows - manipulative and vile. And sometimes without help, they can lead to death. Warning for eating disorder. Seb/Ciel


**A/N**: This is a more serious story compared to others I've written and deals with **eating disorders**. Eating disorders aren't a joking matter and this story isn't to poke fun of anyone dealing with it, but to rather bring attention to it. I've had several friends struggle with eating disorders and I know how serious they can become. If any of this bothers you, please stop reading now.

**Warnings: Eating disorder**, brief mentions of sexual activity, language

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Kuroshitsuji

* * *

The savory scent of burgers and fries filled the air with their pungent aroma, teasing customers to buy the offered food and more. It made Sebastian's stomach growl but he pointedly ignored it as he drummed his fingers against the table. His eyes flickered to the counter where Ciel and Claude stood patiently, waiting for their orders. Ciel glanced over his shoulder and tossed him a questioning look but Sebastian shook his head.

Despite his grumbling stomach, he wouldn't cave into the tempting scent - no matter how much he wanted it. The thought almost made him sick and he exhaled slowly to settle his stomach before taking a sip from his water. The cool liquid helped calm the faint churning that had started to gurgle in his stomach and Sebastian turned his attention to the people milling around the parking lot.

They kept him entertained as he waited for Ciel and Claude to return, and kept his stomach and mind from warring against each other. His stomach demanded food but his mind firmly protested eating anything. Especially when it came from the fast food eatery. Nothing good would come from that.

He looked up as Ciel set his tray down on the table in front of him and his nose crinkled slightly at the grease stained fry carton. But at the same time, his stomach clenched in hunger and Sebastian ground his teeth together to fight back the hunger pains.

"Claude demanded hot tatter tots," Ciel said as he started to unwrap his burger and looked at him curiously. "Are you sure you don't want something? I don't think I've seen you turn down a burger before."

A weak chuckle left Sebastian's mouth. "I'm fine," he said and shook his water bottle. "Diet, remember?"

Ciel grunted. "And I keep telling you that you didn't need to go on one. Everyone has a little bit of excess on their stomach. It's normal." He popped a fry into his mouth. "Besides, I think you look sexy enough already without this diet of yours."

Sebastian smirked. "Your words flatter me but I still think I could afford to lose a few pounds and correct parts of my diet. It's healthier for me that way." He gestured to the meal sitting before Ciel. "You know I don't always eat the best."

"I suppose," Ciel muttered. "But make sure you keep eating, you hear? Starving yourself won't do you any good. And I don't think I've seen you eat anything all day." He gave Sebastian a pointed look.

"I ate," Sebastian said simply.

Ciel didn't look convinced but Claude's arrival at the table kept him from voicing whatever he wanted to say next. "Nothing beats fresh, hot tatter tots," Claude said and tossed one into his mouth.

"Charming," Ciel drawled and sipped his soda.

"But you can't deny it," Claude said as he squirted some ketchup on his burger.

"I'm more of a fry person," Ciel commented and took a bite of one to prove his point.

Claude shook his head. "I don't even know if I can stay friends with you," he said and had a look of faux disbelief on his face. "Someone who doesn't like tatter tots. The travesty."

Ciel elbowed him in the side and rolled his eyes. "Don't be such a drama queen. I never said I didn't like tatter tots, just that I liked fries better."

"I still think you're weird," Claude said and looked at Sebastian. "Where do you stand in this debate?"

"I'm neutral," Sebastian said with a faint smile. "I'm not eating either so I feel my opinion wouldn't amount to much in this debate."

Claude frowned. "That's a boring answer and far too serious."

Sebastian shrugged and looked apologetic. "I haven't had fast food in a while, so it's hard to say. But if I had to say, I preferred tatter tots to fries."

Claude pumped his fist in the air. "That's two points for the tots," he said and grinned at Ciel. "Take that, Phantomhive. I even got your boyfriend to side with me this time."

Blue eyes rolled. "Please. You two have been friends for far longer than Sebastian and I have been dating." Ciel wiped his hands on a napkin. "Besides, if you want to talk points, I happen to know that Hannah likes fries better than tots. So it's a tie."

"Just drop it, Claude," Sebastian said, his lips twitching with laughter. "This is an argument you can't win."

"You only say that because you want to stay on Ciel's good side," Claude teased.

Sebastian smirked. "Now why would you say something like that?" He sipped his water.

Claude chuckled. "Probably because your birthday is just around the corner and you're probably holding out for something special from Ciel."

Red touched both Ciel and Sebastian's necks and Ciel coughed into his hand. "On the note of Sebastian's birthday," he said and pointedly ignored Claude's smug grin. "What are we doing for it? It's a month away."

Sebastian shook his head. "You guys don't have to do anything. It's just a birthday," he said.

Claude clicked his tongue. "Nonsense. You only turn twenty once. We need to have cake and ice cream, and a whole bunch of other good foods. Plus presents of course."

"It's just twenty," Sebastian protested. "If anything, save the celebrating for when I turn twenty-one."

"No can do," Claude stated. "As your best friend, it's my duty to make sure you have an awesome birthday party no matter what age you turn. But I can promise you that next year, when you turn the big two-one, I'll have something grand planned for you."

Crimson eyes rolled and Sebastian turned to Ciel. "Make sure he doesn't let things get out of hand, please. The last thing we need is to have one of Claude's grand plans get us kicked out of the apartment."

Claude scowled while Ciel laughed. "I heard that and I resent it," he said.

"I'll make sure he keeps things quiet," Ciel said, ignoring Claude.

"Thanks," Sebastian said and leaned across the table to peck Ciel's lips. He licked his lips as he pulled away, tasting the sauce from Ciel's mouth and his stomach growled loudly.

Both Ciel and Claude looked at him and Sebastian gave a sheepish grin. "You need to eat something," Claude said and crumbled his wrapper into a ball.

"I will," Sebastian answered and his hands gripped the water bottle tighter. "But I can't eat anything if we're still at the restaurant," he joked.

Ciel stood up and grabbed his tray. "Claude and I can eat the rest on the way back," he said. "If you were hungry, you should've said something earlier. We could've gotten this to go."

Sebastian shook his head as he climbed to his feet. His vision darkened slightly before his eyes and he squeezed them shut to stave off the lightheaded feelings. They slowly faded away and he ran a hand through his hair, hoping no one had noticed his quick dizzy spell.

The spells had started to come more frequently and they left Sebastian's heart pounding in his chest and ears. He could feel the beat all throughout his body and on several occasions, he had to sit down or lean against something in case his legs gave out on him. The feeling left him unsettled but didn't deviate from his daily routine.

The scale didn't lie and Sebastian had long since hit his goal. But for all that the scale didn't lie, neither did the mirror and it continued to show a less than perfect reflection every time Sebastian looked in the iridescent surface. Instead, he could only see the little pooch - as Ciel so eloquently put it one night - that covered his stomach. It mocked him and drove Sebastian forward, pushing him to lose just a few more pounds.

But a few pounds had turned into several and with each pound that melted away, Sebastian yearned for more. The small layer of fat might've vanished over time, but Sebastian could see it clearly in his mind. And the more he looked at the mirror, the more Sebastian found places that needed fixing. His sides and thighs, and of course, he couldn't let his stomach get away from him again.

He watched his diet with strict precision and followed it with an iron fist. Anything to keep the pounds away.

A soft hand touched his arm, jerking him from his thoughts. "Sebastian?" Ciel asked. "You okay?"

Sebastian nodded. "Yeah," he said and grabbed his water bottle. "Just thinking."

Ciel stared at him and Sebastian could see the concern lurking behind blue eyes. He smiled, hoping to soothe the emotion; he didn't like making Ciel worry.

"Are you sure?" Ciel questioned.

"Positive," Sebastian answered and started to walk.

Ciel's hand grabbed his and slipped into his grip, hands slightly warmer than his. "You know you can always talk to me if you want," he said and looked at Sebastian with serious eyes. "About anything."

A low hum left Sebastian's mouth and he leaned down to catch Ciel's lips in a soft kiss. "Thank you," he murmured.

They broke apart, doubt and a hint of concern still lingering in Ciel's eyes but he didn't say anything as they walked out of the restaurant. Sebastian let out a low sigh, pleased that he had managed to deter Ciel's suspicion for now.

He only hoped he could keep Ciel from questioning anymore.

**.:|Expelling the Thoughts|:.**

"Aren't you hot?" Ciel asked him from the other side of the living room. Searching blue eyes looked at him from over a book and Sebastian cocked his head.

"Not really. I'm actually a little chilly," he admitted and reached for the blanket that draped across the back of the sofa. "Why?"

Ciel stared at him. "Because you're wearing a turtleneck in early September and it's still 70 outside."

Sebastian shrugged. "I have southern blood. Anything below that feels cool to me."

Ciel stood up and crossed the living room. He took a seat next to Sebastian and tugged lightly on the blanket. "Yeah, but you've never worn a turtleneck before when the weather was this nice." His fingers skimmed over the fabric of the top in question. "You would wear a light weight long sleeve if that. But usually you would just wear a jacket with a T-shirt."

"Maybe I'm coming down with a cold," Sebastian said and glanced at the sleeping cat in his lap. He absently ran a hand over Soot's body and she made a quiet noise in her sleep.

"Maybe," Ciel said but didn't sound convinced. He placed a hand on Sebastian's forehead and frowned. "You're not running a temperature."

Sebastian shrugged again and pulled the blanket tighter around his body. He used it as a shield of sorts, one that could keep everyone from seeing past the clothes he wore. A deep set fear had claimed him and made Sebastian worry what people would say when they saw him. Would they comment on the weight that still clung to his body? The thought had him trembling slightly and it overrode the hunger pains that gnawed at his stomach.

He hadn't eaten anything the previous day and had nibbled on a thin carrot stick for lunch today. But even forcing that little bit down had his stomach churning and Sebastian took to the gym so he could work off what little he had eaten. He found it harder and harder to continue working out, his energy depleted more often than not. But even a few minutes was better than nothing.

"Who knows," he said finally. "But I'm sure it's nothing to worry about." He gave Ciel his best smile and hoped he would leave the matter lay.

Ciel didn't look convinced though and he gave Sebastian a less than pleased look. "I should make you see a doctor," he said and stood up. "But for now I'm going to make you something warm and we'll see what happens the rest of the week."

Panic flickered through Sebastian. He had already eaten for the day and couldn't afford to eat anything else tonight. He didn't have the time or energy to work off the meal Ciel would make for him. "I'm fine, Ciel," he said and jumped to his feet. The room pitched and darkened in front of him, and Sebastian sunk back onto the cushions before he could black out.

"Sebastian!" Ciel exclaimed and hurried over to his side.

"I'm fine," Sebastian said and leaned his head back against the couch. "Just have a headache and stood up too quickly."

Ciel gave him a disbelieving look and tugged on his upper arm. "Come on. You should be in bed." He hefted Sebastian to his feet and steadied him when he swayed lightly on his feet.

Together they walked to their room, Sebastian too tired to protest. Lying down under the warm covers sounded too nice to pass up. He hadn't lied when he said that he felt cold. Lately, Sebastian had felt the frigid touch of the air around him and his body struggled to keep any heat within his grasp. It sent him running to his warmer winter clothes and the thick blankets that covered the bed.

With a low sigh, he sank into the mattress and found his way under the blankets. They cocooned around him and slowly warmed his body although the chill in his bones remained.

"Better?" Ciel asked next to him.

Sebastian nodded. "Much. All I need now is some sleep and I'll feel better by morning."

Ciel clicked his tongue. "No sleep for you yet," he said. "You need to eat something warm first. That will warm up your insides."

Sebastian blanched. "I already ate though," he said.

"Something small won't hurt," Ciel stated. "Some light soup."

"You don't need to trouble yourself," Sebastian protested. "I'm fine, really."

Blue eyes pinned him to the spot and Sebastian could see barely concealed worry hidden in their depths. "Making soup isn't hard, Sebastian."

Sebastian sighed heavily and ran a hand over his face. He looked up at Ciel and gave a small smile. "If it's not a problem," he said.

Ciel smiled. "It's not. I'll be back in a bit." He gave Sebastian a kiss and moved to the door. "And if you fall asleep, I'll just wake you back up."

"Duly noted."

Giving one final nod, Ciel slipped out of the room and Sebastian slumped tiredly against the pillows. His eyes though darted rapidly around the room, as though searching for an escape. The walls remained passive and simply stared back at him, withholding any answers they might give. In desperation, Sebastian briefly entertained the thought of bolting from the room itself but a small piece of logic firmly kept him from moving. Running wouldn't make things better and truthfully, Sebastian wondered if he had the energy to shimmy down the balcony.

He looked up as the door opened again and he gave an uneasy smile as Ciel entered the room. The scent of the soup made his stomach churn and protest, even though a small part craved the meal. But his mind firmly and quickly stamped out that thought, keeping it from overtaking any other desire.

"That was fast," he said.

Ciel grinned. "I told you it wasn't any trouble to make." He placed the tray on the bed. "Eat up."

Sebastian eyed the soup and swallowed heavily as he reached for the spoon. His right hand trembled at the thought of putting anything into his stomach and he clenched it into a tight fist to keep Ciel from seeing the action.

Gingerly, he brought the spoon to his mouth and blew on it, stalling for time. A quick glance at Ciel showed that he wasn't going to leave until he knew for certain that Sebastian had eaten something. Putting on a brave face, Sebastian took the smallest of sips and his face scrunched while his stomach rebelled.

"More than that, Sebastian," Ciel urged.

Sebastian scowled and tried his best not to snap at Ciel. It wasn't Ciel's fault, he was just trying to help but knowing that didn't help curb the frustration. "It's too hot," he said.

Ciel rolled his eyes. "Then blow on it."

"I'd much rather blow something else," he teased and gave Ciel what he hoped was a smoldering look.

Judging by the flush that worked its way up Ciel's neck, Sebastian managed to hit his mark. Ciel coughed into his hand and then clicked his tongue. "Not until you're feeling better."

Sebastian huffed and carefully lifted another spoonful. He almost spilled the hot liquid when the front door burst open and Claude's voice echoed throughout the apartment. It came loudly but welcome at the same time. A distraction.

"Energetic as always," Sebastian said lightly and forced himself to sip at the soup. The thin broth settled heavily in his stomach, like lead. "Wonder what he's so excited about."

Ciel grunted and stood up. He pressed a quick kiss to Sebastian's temple. "I have a guess and if I'm right, I should make sure he hasn't made a mess of things."

Sebastian hummed and made a show of blowing on the next spoonful. "For my birthday party, I presume?"

"Yeah," Ciel said and stood near the door. "I'll go talk to him and tell him you're already in bed so you can get some sleep. Make sure you eat as much of that as you can."

"I will," Sebastian said and fought back a grimace as he slurped half the spoonful.

He watched with barely concealed impatience as Ciel left the room and shut the door behind him. He had banked and hoped that Claude's return to the apartment would draw Ciel's attention away for a few minutes. But a few minutes was all Sebastian needed. Ciel and Claude would talk for a while, half an hour at best before Ciel came back to check on him. And Sebastian only needed five minutes to do what he needed.

For added measures though, he waited several minutes after Ciel's departure to make certain that Ciel wasn't coming back right away. It wouldn't do if Ciel caught him in the act.

Finally, after Sebastian had deemed enough time passed, he stood carefully from the bed. The ceramic bowl still burned hotly against his skin as he carried it to the connecting bathroom. With a quiet noise, the light clicked on and Sebastian stepped over to the toilet. He regarded the porcelain bowl for a few seconds as the guilt churned low in his stomach.

His hands trembled slightly, from the guilt or lack of energy, he didn't know. If he emptied the soup down the drain, it would be the same thing as lying to Ciel. No, it was lying. Ciel would see the half eaten bowl and believe that Sebastian had finished part of the meal. It would make him relieved and curb the worry that had started to shine heavily in blue eyes. He would think all these things because Ciel would never fathom the thought that Sebastian had lied to him.

It made the guilt tear deeper at Sebastian and he stared at the golden liquid in the dish. Ciel made it for him, hoping it would help cure whatever ailed him. A dish made from love, if Sebastian wanted to go that far.

But at the same time, Sebastian could see past the warm affection Ciel had poured into the soup and see the meal for what it really was. It was food. Simple and effective. Food that would settle down heavily in his stomach and curl around his sides, clinging to his body with all the strength of a newborn babe to its mom. And Sebastian couldn't afford to have that weight settle about him.

He gnawed his lower lip and glanced at the toilet once more. It was only this one time. After this, he would work harder to make sure he looked healthy to Ciel. Just this one time.

Nodding to himself, Sebastian carefully emptied half the bowl into the toilet. It made a wet splashing sound that had Sebastian's nose wrinkling in disgust. He flushed but didn't watch as the food vanished in a whirlwind of water, his guilt spiraling far faster than the water in the bowl.

With slow movements, Sebastian made his way back to the bed. He set the bowl and tray to the side where he wouldn't kick it, and then crawled under the covers. His stomach churned violently, a disgusting mix of guilt and the few spoonfuls' he had eaten. Together, the two feelings sat like lead weights in his stomach. Heavy and agonizing.

**.:|Expelling the Thoughts|:.**

Sebastian's body bounced slightly on the bed and he reached up to draw Ciel into a fierce kiss. Their hips ground against each other, electing small moans and gasps from their throats, and Sebastian didn't bother to keep his voice down. Claude had left for the weekend to stay with Hannah, giving them the apartment to themselves. And they weren't about to pass up the opportunity.

Ciel groaned loudly as teeth attacked a sensitive spot on his neck and Sebastian smirked against the quickly reddening skin. He pressed his lips harder to the spot and sucked the patch, making the area stand out even more.

His hands gripped at Ciel's hips as they rocked together, the sheets rustling under them and the bed creaking ever so slightly. Above him, Ciel panted harshly and his chest heaved for breath as their mouths met again.

Their clothes felt too restricting and Sebastian's hand slipped underneath Ciel's shirt, skimming over flushed skin. In no time, he pulled the fabric from Ciel's torso and had it tossed to the floor. "Beautiful," he muttered and then flipped them over, pressing Ciel into the mattress. His mouth descended on a perked nipple, taking it into his mouth and teasing it.

"Ah, Sebastian!" Ciel cried and his back arched up to press against Sebastian's body. He squirmed underneath him and tugged at black locks, urging Sebastian to continue. "Oh, fuck," he moaned as a teasing hand pinched his other nipple.

"That's it," Sebastian murmured against the skin and switched sides. He delighted in watching Ciel come undone before his eyes and it stroked his ego to know that he was the one to make Ciel lose his composure. Only he could see Ciel this way and he took great pride in knowing that.

Sebastian hummed deeply in his chest and pulled back, drawing a quiet noise from Ciel. Hazy blue eyes watched him and Sebastian smirked as his fingers skimmed ever so slowly down his torso. They brushed over Ciel's sides and they quivered before Sebastian continued further, down to waistband that rested low on pale hips.

A smirk flittered across Sebastian's lips. "I think these need to come off," he teased and popped the button before Ciel could say anything. He didn't tug the pants off though and instead, let his hand continue to move down until it palmed the covered erection. "What's this?" he asked and gave Ciel a smoldering look.

"Stop teasing," Ciel ground out and bucked his hips into the touch. He tossed his head back and moaned unabashedly, sending heat and lust racing through Sebastian's veins like liquid fire.

"What do you want?" Sebastian questioned, still rubbing the area.

Ciel's eyes fluttered open and they stared at Sebastian. "Suck it," he said firmly, his eyes demanding and proud.

Sebastian chuckled. "Fiery tonight, aren't you," he said but finally eased Ciel's pants off his body.

They too fell to the ground with a soft noise but Sebastian didn't pay them any attention. He licked his lips at the sight of Ciel spread so shamelessly before him. His eyes flickered over everything that was Ciel, taking in the curves and dips to his body, and the creamy, pale skin that bore his marks. It made him shudder and Sebastian bowed his head to kiss along the inside of Ciel's thigh.

He worked his way up, alternating his touch with soft kisses and light nips. Each action had Ciel keening by the time Sebastian reached the straining erection, Ciel's body quivered with energy. Deciding to take pity on Ciel, he settled between Ciel's thighs and swirled his tongue around the red tip.

"Wait," Ciel panted just before Sebastian could go any further. Sebastian glanced up at him, drinking in the sight of flushed cheeks. "You're wearing too many clothes," Ciel continued and tried to glare at him, but the mussed hair and swollen lips dampened the effect.

Sebastian pulled back with a smirk. "All you had to do was ask," he said and reached for the hem of his shirt.

His fingers tightened briefly around the fabric and his heart started to beat faster, a rhythm that had nothing to do with their current situation. Instead, the beat came from nerves at Ciel seeing him undressed for the first time. They hadn't been intimate for almost a month, the start of the school year making them too busy to do more than sneak quick kisses at night.

What would Ciel say when he saw him again? Would he laugh at how much weight still sat around his middle? Or would the mere sight simply disgust him and turn him away?

Sebastian shook his head and tried to dispel the thoughts that had taken root. They chased away his arousal and he felt like turning Ciel down. He couldn't do this. He couldn't stand to have Ciel laugh at him or feel disgusted.

"Hey," Ciel said, his voice breaking easily through Sebastian's thoughts. A soft hand touched his and Sebastian looked down at their joined hands. "What's wrong?"

"Nervous?" Sebastian said but it came out more as a question. To anyone else, he would feel embarrassed admitting it, but they had moved far past that in their relationship. It came about from several years together, a relationship born first from a close friendship. Ciel had seen him before at his lowest and in return, Sebastian was there for Ciel when he needed it.

Ciel sat up and drew him into a loving kiss; warm and tender that helped chase away some of the fear. "About what?"

Sebastian's eyes closed. "Diet," he mumbled.

"Sebastian," Ciel cooed, his tone filled with adoration and lacking any bite. "You looked fine before your diet and you're still as attractive as ever. I'd say you're down right sexy, but your ego doesn't need any more inflating."

A low chuckle left Sebastian's mouth and he squeezed Ciel's hand.

"You know I would never laugh at you," Ciel continued and pressed a light kiss to the side of his neck. "Now, let me see your beautiful body."

Sebastian tilted his head to the side, capturing Ciel's lips in a heated kiss. It said everything that he couldn't properly say with words and Sebastian let his actions speak for him. When they broke apart, Ciel smirked at him and tugged at the shirt he wore, pulling it up and over his head. It vanished over the side of the bed and Sebastian shivered in the cool air.

He watched Ciel's face carefully, noting the emotions that flickered quickly across his features. Arousal bled from blue eyes and the loving gaze that Ciel once had, vanished. In its place, a look of shock seemed to overtake it and Sebastian felt the urge to cover himself with his arms to hide from Ciel's piercing gaze.

"Sebastian," he breathed and reached for him carefully, almost as though Ciel worried he would break him with the simple touch. "Oh, Sebastian," he repeated.

Red touched Sebastian's ears and he gazed down at his body, seeing the weight around his middle double before his eyes. It bulged and stretched grotesquely until Sebastian felt sick just looking at the mass in front of him. "Is it that bad?" he whispered. "Am I that…," he choked on the word, barely able to squeak out the word 'fat'.

Ciel looked horrified. "Fat?" he repeated and shook his head. "God no, Sebastian. You're nothing but skin and bone. How much weight have you lost?"

Sebastian shrugged. "A couple pounds," he answered, hiding his true weight from Ciel and drew the blanket up around his shoulders. The chill in the room had started to settle into his bones again without his shirt to stave off the cold. "I still have a few more pounds to go."

"No. No more, Sebastian," Ciel said sternly. "You can't lose any more weight. You didn't need this diet of yours to begin with and now you're taking it too far. No more," he repeated.

"You were the one who said I had a little pooch," Sebastian stated.

Ciel clicked his tongue. "Everyone has one, Sebastian. And the only reason you even had one that night was because you and Claude had that pizza eating contest. You had a food baby, nothing more. It was gone by morning." He reached forward and grabbed Sebastian's head. "You don't need to lose any weight, Sebastian. You were fine the way you were before."

Uncertainty flickered through Sebastian and he struggled to accept the words. He wanted to believe Ciel, he truly did. But he could still see the extra weight on his body. It haunted him and weighed him down with each step he took, following him and staying in his shadow. And his hunger was only a demon that gnawed in his stomach and on his mind.

He flinched as Ciel carefully brushed his hands down his sides, his touch light and fleeting. The hand came to rest on his hip and fingers rubbed small circles over his hipbone. A frown crossed Ciel's lips and his eyebrows pulled down, making his forehead furrow. The look made Sebastian uneasy and guilty at the same time.

He never meant to make Ciel worry about him but now the concern shown vibrantly in blue eyes. Every action and expression Ciel gave screamed the emotion, and Sebastian fought back nausea that came from the guilt.

"I'm sorry," he muttered and the gentle motions stopped.

"For what?" Ciel asked.

Sebastian gripped the blanket tighter. "For disappointing you."

Ciel pulled him closer, drawing him into a warm embrace and Sebastian's body greedily soaked up the warmth that Ciel had to offer. "You don't have to apologize, Sebastian," he said and stroked his hair. Several stands came out and wrapped around his fingers, and Ciel shook them to the floor. "I'm not disappointed or mad at you, and I love you no matter what. Just promise me that you'll stop this diet of yours. You really don't need to lose any weight."

Sebastian's body grew tense and taunt at the words, and his eyes widened. Stop his diet? The thought sounded absurd and he almost started to panic. He couldn't stop now, not when he still had excess weight that he needed to lose. It terrified him and Sebastian clutched helplessly at Ciel as despair started to overtake him.

A soft noise came from Ciel as he tried his best to comfort him and Sebastian squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to steady his breathing before he could start hyperventilating. He knew Ciel wouldn't drop the subject and wouldn't let him continue his diet. The only way to ease Ciel's concern would be to agree with him. Agree to stop his diet.

He swallowed hard. "Okay," he whispered but the word felt heavy on his tongue and tasted foul. Slippery but gritty like ash. The taste of a lie.

Ciel pulled back from him and held his eye. "You'll stop your diet?" he pushed.

"Yeah."

Blue eyes stared at him and Sebastian put his best face forward. He couldn't let Ciel see past his façade and pick out the lie. He felt terrible lying to Ciel and knew that he wouldn't sleep tonight. But at the same time, the simple thought of stopping his diet and eating something made him feel just as sick. No matter what, he couldn't win.

"You promise you will, Sebastian?" Ciel asked again. "I meant what I said. You don't need to diet. You're already attractive enough as is. Sinfully so," he finished, trying to lighten the mood but in light of the matter, it sounded weak.

"Thanks," Sebastian said with feeble laugh. He hoped that it would help deter Ciel from his question. But he could see the look in Ciel's eyes and knew that the small detour wasn't enough to distract him from the looming problem. "I will," he said carefully and hoping with everything he had that Ciel would forgive him for lying.

The relieved smile that Ciel gave him was like a knife to his gut, deep and wrenching. It spread a poisoned acid throughout his veins that instantly had Sebastian feeling sick and he struggled to return the smile. He let Ciel push him back against the bed and they crawled under the covers, the previous mood gone.

Once settled, Ciel curled around him, holding him tightly as though he worried Sebastian would simply vanish in the middle of the night. While the action would typically soothe Sebastian and make him feel loved, it only served to remind him of the lies he had just told and would continue to tell.

**.:|Expelling the Thoughts|:.**

Laughter and music mingled together, floating throughout the room. They created a pleasant melody that put everyone at ease as they wandered around the apartment and carried small plates of food.

Almost everyone at least.

Sebastian stood off to the side, watching as his guests moved around. His fingers gripped the plate tightly in his hand and he forced a smile on his face, trying his best not to look sick. But the smell of the food, especially the sugar from the nearby cake, had his stomach rolling and pitching. It threatened to send him running for the bathroom and Sebastian ground his teeth together to keep that from happening.

From across the room, Ciel caught his eye and gave him a warm smile. Sebastian returned it then swallowed as Ciel came closer. Ciel already suspected him after last week and the last thing Sebastian wanted was to draw his suspicions once more.

"How are you doing?" Ciel asked as he approached and pecked his cheek.

"Good," Sebastian answered and lifted up his plate slightly. "The food's delicious."

Ciel eyed the plate, skimming over the tidbits of food that sat scattered across the surface. "How much have you eaten?" he asked and turned his attention to Sebastian.

Sebastian faltered slightly before plowing forward. He knew that Ciel would start watching him more carefully after discovering how much weight he lost but he couldn't deter from his goal. He still weighed far more than he wanted to and Sebastian wouldn't stop until all the fat had melted from his body. Even if it meant hiding things from Ciel.

"I've eaten," he said simply.

"I didn't ask if you ate," Ciel said and his arms rose to cross over his chest but lowered before they could reach his torso. "I asked how much you ate."

Sebastian frowned. "I had some vegetables." Lie. "And a few chips." Another lie.

Ciel gave him a look that Sebastian couldn't decipher and he almost felt like shifting his feet. He knew the truth, he hadn't eaten a thing since yesterday morning, but admitting that to Ciel proved hard. Telling him that would open up an assortment of problems that Sebastian would rather not face. He already had enough trouble hiding his lack of eating from Ciel and it grew harder by the day.

"Sebastian," Ciel started and Sebastian felt his defenses rising quickly. "That's not enough. A few pieces of vegetables are like a small snack. You need more than that. I'm proud of you for sticking to your diet and losing a few pounds, but now you're taking it too far. You've lost too much weight. If you keep this up, you're going to end up hurting yourself."

"I'm fine," Sebastian said.

Ciel shook his head. "I can count nearly every rib on your body, Sebastian," he hissed. "That's not fine. I'm worried about you."

The concerned tone sent the heavy guilt spiraling throughout Sebastian's body. It weighed heavier than any food he could've eaten and Sebastian swallowed thickly to keep the bile from rising. "You shouldn't," he started and tried to look convincing. But judging by Ciel's face, he hadn't convinced him. "I don't need you worrying about me, Ciel."

"But I do," Ciel answered and drew closer, deepening their conversation so no one else could hear the words whispered between them. "How can I not worry about you, Sebastian? I love you so much," he murmured against Sebastian's jaw.

Sebastian shuddered under the loving words and felt the remorse press harder against him. It had weighed his step down ever since last week and he struggled under its burden. Every morning was an effort to get out of bed and his limbs trembled. His muscles refused to support him at times and more than once, Sebastian had to take a break while walking to class.

He didn't know if his failing body came about from his diet or the weight of the guilt that sat on his chest. He hated feeling the guilt and at times, it weighed heavier on his mind than his overweight body. It gnawed more viciously than the hunger pains in his abdomen and yelled at him louder than his grumbling stomach.

"I'll eat something," he said reluctantly but he had trouble deciding if he truly meant it or not.

Ciel picked up an apple slice that still sat on Sebastian's plate. "Here, it's something small and still healthy."

Sebastian took it and nibbled delicately on the piece of fruit. He mashed it up thoroughly in his mouth until it was nothing but pulp before he swallowed. The thinner it felt to him, the less weight he would gain from it his mind reasoned. He knew it didn't work that way but Sebastian clung to anything to help ease his mind.

He got halfway through the slice before setting it down, his stomach churning and pitching violently. It threatened to expel what little contents were in his stomach to begin with and Sebastian breathed heavily through his nose. He felt Ciel take the fruit from him and it was all Sebastian could do not to bolt to the bathroom.

"That's enough," Ciel said quietly and Sebastian chanced a glance at him. His features looked inquisitive and thoughtful but Ciel didn't say anything. Instead, he simply squeezed Sebastian's hand and gave him a warm smile.

Sebastian returned the smile, if not a little shaky, and leaned down to give Ciel a kiss. "Love you," he mumbled against Ciel's lips. Because it was true. No matter what changed, his love for Ciel would always stay.

Ciel beamed at the words and they shared one more kiss. "I need to make sure Claude isn't causing a mess of things real quick," he said after they pulled apart. "After that we can open presents. Well, most of them at least," he teased and winked at Sebastian.

"Imp," Sebastian growled playfully.

"And you love it," Ciel said and darted away from him before Sebastian could envelop him in another searing kiss.

Sebastian watched him go; feeling the guilt temporarily subsided within him. But with its disappearance, the rolling feeling in his stomach reared its head and Sebastian was all too aware of the apple sitting in his body. Despite the fine pulp that he had reduced it to, it felt like a bowling ball in his stomach. The plate trembled in his hand and he set it down on the nearest table before making a beeline for the bathroom.

He couldn't keep the weight in him. It was too much, far too much. It needed to go before it clung to his body and made him weigh more.

The bathroom door closed behind him and Sebastian leaned against it to catch his breath. His heart raced erratically in his chest and he could feel his pulse fluttering throughout his body. Like a hummingbird's wings.

He stumbled to the toilet and sunk to his knees before the white bowl. For several minutes, he hovered over the object waiting to expel the apple. But nothing came forth from his mouth and it continued to sit heavily, making itself a home around his waist and in his thighs.

He coughed harshly, trying to force himself to vomit in a more natural way but nothing but spit escaped his mouth. It splattered against the edges of the bowl and a single drop landed on his hand. Sebastian clutched the rim tightly as he hoped in vain for something to happen. If he could start dry heaving, then the rest would follow.

"Come on," he whimpered and tried to cough once more. His fingers ached from their tight grip on the toilet and his knees started to protest the hard floor under them.

Frustrated tears welled up in the corners of his eyes and Sebastian looked at his left hand. It swam before his eyes due to the unshed tears and they started to fall in earnest at the thought that came to mind. His hand shook as he lifted it from where it sat on the toilet and his mind warred with itself. One part screaming at him to force out the apple and the other part pleading him to stop.

But the heavy apple won out – already spreading its poison through his body - and Sebastian shoved his finger into his mouth before he could change his mind.

His mouth filled with saliva and grew hot before the contents of his stomach spilled over his hand and into the bowl. There was a sharp pain in his finger but Sebastian couldn't place it as his chest continued to heave until his body had nothing left to give. His hands trembled alongside his body as he slumped against the toilet, tears openly cascading down his face.

He hated throwing up, no matter what the reason. He hadn't thrown up in years, since he was a child, and Sebastian had planned to keep it that way. But in his panic to rid his body of the apple, all logic had fled his mind and he went with the most logical option. Now though, it just left him feeling sick and even worse than he did before.

"Sebastian," a soft voice said behind him and Sebastian turned to look over his shoulder. Ciel stood in doorway and Sebastian was suddenly aware of the bile that still covered his chin.

He went to wipe it away, turning quickly from Ciel. He didn't want Ciel to see him like this, bowed before the toilet and clutching it like a life preserve. Hot embarrassment flooded him and he flinched when arms wrapped around his shoulders. Ciel called his name again, voice slightly muffled against his back but the tone still reached Sebastian.

Concern weighted heavily in Ciel's voice and it circled warm and loving around him. It brought back the guilt and it overrode the previous feelings in Sebastian's body. Through it, he could feel the gnawing hunger, the cold air around him, and the low sag of his pants on his hips. But more than that, he could feel Ciel pressed against him. Standing strong next to him as he had the whole time.

"Sebastian," Ciel said again and carefully drew him away from the toilet. They didn't look at the contents inside the bowl and Ciel grabbed a nearby towel to wipe his face, cleaning it with tender motions. Once done, he gathered him into his arms once more and buried his face into Sebastian's neck. Something wet fell against Sebastian's chilled skin and he shuddered, knowing them as tears. Ciel's tears. "Sebastian, you have to stop. Please, I hate seeing you like this. I don't like seeing you hurting yourself."

"Ciel," Sebastian muttered, too tired to do anything else. His heartbeat felt heavy in his chest and it pulsed at a slower beat than he had ever felt. He pressed closer to Ciel and felt his arms tighten around him in response. His body clung to Ciel, borrowing the heat that came from him while he struggled to make sense of everything.

He had made himself throw up, something he detested and avoided at all costs. Furthermore, he had lied and deceived Ciel several times over. Another thing he tried not to do. But probably worst of all, he hurt Ciel with his actions.

The realization struck him deeply and a violent tremor racked his body. Ciel made a concerned noise but Sebastian shook his head. He couldn't keep doing this. He couldn't keep hurting Ciel and betraying him the way he was. That weighed far heavier against him than any food ever could.

"Ciel," he gasped and his body trembled. It wasn't easy, admitting the thought on his mind and it would be far harder to stop his diet. The mere though nearly had him backpedaling from what he wanted to say. Only through pure determination did he remain steady and he firmly reminded himself that he needed to do this. "I…I need help," he choked out.

Ciel clutched at him tighter and Sebastian felt him nod. "It's okay," he said soothingly and Sebastian relaxed slightly at the words. "We'll work through this together and I'll help as best I can." He pulled back to look Sebastian in the eye. "I love you no matter what."

The words sent a fresh wave of tears trickling down Sebastian's face and he let Ciel soothe him once more. Soft words passed between them, quiet and calming but filled with adoration nonetheless. They spoke of deep affection and Sebastian took comfort in them, knowing that Ciel would stay by him and help him every step of the way.

* * *

**Final notes**: This is only a one shot and I won't continue past this, so please don't ask ^^ Again, I wrote this story to help raise awareness about eating disorders and hopefully help anyone struggling with it themselves. There's nothing wrong with asking for help and it's not a sign of weakness, but rather strength. And there is always someone there who is willing to help ^^

As for why I picked Sebastian compared to Ciel. I debated it for a while until I remembered a comment Sebastian once made about how he ate - messily eating whatever he came across until he decided to wait for the perfect meal, and that now he is starving. And sometime's even those that look the most confident on the outside are the ones who actually struggle the most with their thoughts/emotions.

Thank you for reading! ^^


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